April 24, 2024

            The year was 1994 and I had already completed Basic Training for the Air National Guard, Tec School, on job training and 1 year of college at Des Moines area community college. I still remember what started the change of everything…. My Grandmother passed away and a week or so later I was invited to a party. I remember telling myself, I will go but I am not going to drink. I am not getting drunk; I am not drinking!

            I remember extraordinarily little about that night. I remember going and not drinking. I remember several people encouraging me too and I remember saying ok but just one or two. I remember drinking two drinks. Beer, I thought and then I saw a guy that “I went” with in junior high school. He was holding a bottle in his hand, and I asked for a drink. I had a big drink; I remember shortly after asking a good guy friend if he would drive me home, but he said no because he was someone else’s DD and that is the last thing I remember.

            The next morning, I woke up around 10am and felt horrible. My head felt different in a way it had never felt before. I had been drunk before, but never had a felt like this, this was different. I got up and started walking to the restroom and I noticed I had gravel stuck on my knees. I had slept all night and somehow the gravel had managed to stay imbedded in my skin. I went downstairs and the phone rang. We had a cordless phone at that time, so I was able to have a conversation in the living room where no one was around. That good friend of mine who could not give me a ride home called and asked how I was. He then said I do not know if you have had sex before, but you better add two to your list. Ugg, what? My heart stopped. How could I have had sex with someone   I was not like that. I never was like that. I could not even remember driving home, but my car was outside. I asked him with who and he told me. I was sick! I said why didn’t you bring me home when I asked you too? He got mad and hung up on me and to this day we have never spoken again.

            At this point I was bawling, uncontrollably. Nauseous and felt like I was going to die. I went to the bathroom, undressed, gravel still imbedded in my knees. I showered for 2 hrs. Crying, retching, washing, trying to get clean, but I could not. No matter how hard I scrubbed, I could not get clean. I was disgusting, I was worthless, I was nothing. I finally got out of the shower; I gave up on getting clean. I dressed and went back to the couch. How could I ever show my face again, what had I done, how could I continue to live? I just want to die so the pain will stop. This was the second time I contemplated suicide. I had to tell my mom, or I would kill myself. But my mom will be so disappointed in me because I got drunk, I put myself in that position, but I had to tell her anyway and so I did.

            I told her what information I had been given. I was bawling, she grabbed me, hugged me, and said oh Cheri. I said I know mom; I should not have been drinking. We made and apt for in a week or so to go the Doctor for a physical examination, pregnancy test and std panel. Thank you, Jesus it was, all negative.

            As the years have passed and the world has become more knowledgeable and forthcoming about sexual assault or rape, I know realize that I was sexually assaulted. That being that drunk and impaired I could not have consented to sex. I was drugged. I had never reacted to alcohol like that before and I had drunk much more than that night. I had never been able to not remember either.

            Here is how the scenario should have played out when I told my mother and how I feel it would have played out had it happened in 2024 instead of 1994. Again, I want to reiterate I do not place any blame on her. She did not know any better at that time. Times were different. When I told her and she hugged me she should have told me that I could not have consented to sex when I was drunk, took me to the emergency room immediately and had been take my dirty clothes with me even though I had already showered. At least then we would have known what was in my blood stream.

            I spent decades blaming my self for this and I finally came to the realization that the reason I could not get clean even though I knew God and he knew me, was because it was not me who needed that sin washed away. It was the sins of the two boys that assaulted me. It was their sins that needed cleansing not mine. Not this time, not for this, NOT MY FAULT!

Blessed > Deserved ❤

Cheri